Forever
by Javanyet
Summary: Once a promise, now a torment. One shot, following after Life, Altered.


"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say."

"Whatever is important to you."

"But I don't _know_. The captain said I had to come here and talk to you. But I don't know what to say that's right."

"'Right'?"

"You know… what's right to let me go back to work. On duty."

"Leo, it's more important to know what you _need_. That's what the captain meant."

A long pause, a painful breath.

"I _need _to go back on duty. I need to know what to say to make that happen."

"I wouldn't tell you what that is even if I could."

"Please, as my _friend_ I'm _begging _you."

Deanna ignored Leo's unabashed attempt at manipulation; nothing said in this office could be considered inappropriate. And because they _were_ friends the same would always be true, no matter where the words were spoken.

"As your _counselor_, I have to tell you that you're asking the wrong question. It isn't about going back to work, it's about getting back into your life in a way that's best for you, at a pace that's best for you. Only you can answer those questions, and only your answers are important."

Leo gazed blankly at her friend, now her counselor. "I don't _know_. How am I supposed to know? I've never _done_ this before!"

Deanna took a breath, and thought for a moment. This was not a typical session with a typical crew member struggling with a typical issue. For all she counted on professional distance, Troi had to move closer.

"Neither have I. I have never counseled a crewmember regarding the loss of someone who was so close to both of us. I need your help here, as much as you need mine. I need you to tell me what's damaged that can be healed."

"Everything, and nothing. Can you understand? _Everything_ has been broken, and _nothing_ can be healed."

Not a surprising answer, considering how fresh the loss was. "But what do you _feel_ Leo, can't you at least tell me that much? That can give you a starting place to recover."

Leo thought for a moment. Two moments. _Several_ moments. As had always been the case, she really wasn't trying to make it harder, especially now.

"I don't know what I feel, because I don't know who I _am_." Leo cast about desperately, wanting so much to know more to tell her friend whose mission was now to help her recover from an unthinkable injury.  
"I came here because of Data, I think by now everyone knows that. I've become the captain's protégé, and Data's wife, and… _what?_ I was born, and learned, and grew here because of Data and everyone I met and knew because of him. If he's…" a crippled pause, "if _he's_ gone… who am _I_?"

"You're Leora Eileen O'Reilly," Deanna told her gently. "You brought your own character and beliefs here, you didn't start out as a blank slate. You have affected us as much as we have you. There _is_ someone to recover here, there is a life to be continued, in and of and _for_ yourself."

There were long minutes where Leo struggled to absorb the enormity, and the reality, of what Deanna had said. She did struggle, she thought, and reasoned, and tried so _hard_, and finally turned a defeated face to her counselor and friend.

"Tell me who, and I'll try. Tell me what, and I'll do it. You ask me what I'm feeling, I'm feeling… nothing." She paused and considered that. "I'm _empty_, it's like something's been…"

"Switched off."

Leo nodded. "It doesn't make sense, does it? I'm trying to get things to make _sense_, if I could do that then I could do all the stuff you just said."

The two women looked at one another in silence. Deanna decided to explore another route.

"It's clear you're overwhelmed, and it's exactly to be expected. So let's not consider the big questions now, the deep thoughts or feelings. Can you tell me, what do you most want to do, right now? If you could do anything in the world as it exists right now, what would you do?"

That was too painfully easy. "I'd go to bed, and shut off the lights."

"And sleep?"

"No." Dry eyed until now, Leo's eyes filled with tears and confusion. "Because when I woke up, I'd be alone." With an effort, she regained control. Everything around her seemed as foreign and frightening as it had the day she first arrived. "Can I go now?"

Deanna fought back an unprofessional sigh, and nodded. "Yes. I think it might be a little too early for this. Will you be in your quarters?"

She shook her head with sudden vehemence. "No. I took one of the VIP suites." Before Deanna could respond, Leo looked at her with pleading eyes and continued in a desperate whisper, "I can't. Okay? I need to be somewhere as empty as me, or I'll lose my mind. The captain said it's okay." When she'd asked him she could see in his face that he couldn't bring himself to deny her, even if he didn't think it was a good idea.

"All right, then. But I'll check in with you, if that's okay."

Dragging herself to her feet, Leo nodded wearily. "Okay." Okay, okay, _okay_. If she said it often enough she might mean it. She might even believe it.

After she left Deanna's office Leo took the most circuitous route she could remember to get to her temporary quarters, one she prayed would help her avoid seeing… anyone at all. It worked. No distantly acquainted crewmates greeted her with halting awkward words, no friends confronted her with faces that were a mirror of her own bewildered anguish. She'd spoken the truth; empty was all that was keeping her sane.

When she reached her empty quarters she didn't bother to change out of the uniform she'd refused to take off since the day before when the world blew up through a broken viewport. She shuffled into the bedroom and curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed.

"Computer, lights out."

She didn't sleep. She'd managed not to sleep since it happened. Sleep terrified her more than anything now, so she fought it off like death itself. If she slept, she'd have to wake up. And when she woke up, she'd be alone.

Leo stared at the soft blue light of the chronometer next to the bed.

14:01 hours.

_14:02, 14:03…_

"Forever" had ceased to be an abstract concept, or a gentle expression of loving patience.

"D," she whispered to the dark, "where did you _go_?"

_14:08, 14:09, 14:10…_


End file.
